It's untitled because I don't know what to call it. And just a little word of warning…this post might be hard for some to read. I hope you'll keep reading to the end. It's my truth and my story. Thank you.
Did you know that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month?
This is not something I usually talk about in public nor is it something I share readily…my dear friends know these things about my childhood but this year for some reason, I feel strongly about sharing this. With you. It feels like the right time.
When I was a child growing up in Southern California and Central Florida, we looked like the typical Asian-American Catholic churchgoing family with a mom and a dad and six kids (five girls and one boy). Our mom worked a lot, sometimes two or three jobs. Sometimes, our biological father worked, sometimes not. To family, friends and neighbors, he was the ultimate Mr. Mom.
We were all hiding a deep dark secret, one we were too afraid to share. Because A) he told us he would kill us if we ever told anyone and B) because we were afraid if anyone found out, all six siblings would be split up.
My biological father was mentally, physically and verbally abusive. And I can go further but out of respect for other family members, that’s all I’ll say.
And no this wasn’t a spanking or discipline. This was abuse. This was a punch in the gut when you said something wrong or couldn’t find the pair of scissors or the tape. This was getting beaten with a two-by-four because you were an idiot (in his eyes) for not bringing home straight As on your report card.
We were told repeatedly that we were nothing without him and continuously told how stupid we were. We were told that we were not good enough and that we always needed to try harder. Harder. We lived in terror. every. single. day. We didn’t know when one of his mood swings would come along and we would get swept up. I lived in fear for myself and for my siblings. It was the worst thing to see the look of terror in my brother or my sisters’ eyes when they were about to get hit or beaten.
Today, I’m thirty-five years old, married to an amazing guy, named Curtis, who puts me first and would never dream of laying a hand on me. We have our moments, our marriage isn’t perfect and we are constantly working on it. But I can’t imagine going through life with anyone else.
My parents got divorced when I was twelve years old. All of us lived with my Mom. I’m so thankful for my Mom and her strength to walk away from him and be there for us in ways we didn’t know we needed.
What I have learned is when you are a victim of abuse, whether you are a child or a battered wife or husband, it is not your fault. It is not your fault. Please remember this always.
I cannot even begin to describe to you the frustration and anger I have when I hear someone on the news or someone in front of my face say(s), “why doesn’t she just leave him”? Why does she take it? She doesn’t take anything. He has taken everything from her. Abusers beat you down mentally and physically and build you back up in their mold so they can control you. It takes a lot of work and dare I say strength to leave your abuser. It’s not that easy and I would never say if someone can’t leave their spouse that they are not strong enough. It’s a complicated web and it’s not just as easy as “leaving him”. A lot of women die at the hands of their abusers in this country, so for someone who is being abused, their fear for their life is very real.
You would get it if you experienced it. How about that? That might sound harsh or cold but honestly, you don’t get it if you have never experienced someone punching you until you can’t stand any longer and that someone is supposed to love you. That someone is supposed to protect you but they are hurting you. And someone who tells you that they won’t kill you if you run away, they will put you in a wheelchair so that your children can laugh at you for the rest of your life.
These words are so awful…all of what I’m describing is what happened to us and was said to us by my biological father.
At fifteen years old (three years after their divorce), I realized I needed help and sought counseling with a therapist. At the first visit, I told her about my childhood. She told me she was bound by law to report abuse against minors. I felt sucker punched because the next thing I knew, all six of us one by one, sat at our dining table in front of my mom and stepdad, each had to tell our version of the events of our childhood to a social worker from the state's Department of Children and Families. The therapist had called them to report what I had told her and since I was a minor, they had to investigate.
By this time, I had not seen my biological father in three years and he was no longer in our lives and yet I felt we were the ones on trial…having to prove to the social worker that we were fine. We were fine. They could leave us alone. I understand why it had to be done and I get it. But I will never understand why we were made to feel as if we were on trial, having to prove that we were okay, he was out of our lives and yet we weren’t ok. I’m hoping that I make sense.
And yet, I can say today that I love my life, I love my husband and I love my family and none of this was my fault. None of this was my mother’s fault. We were so incredibly lucky to have friends like Keith & Carolyn who helped us and let us stay with them for a few days until we could get back on our feet and were there for us through the years. And friends who I called Grandma Leona and Grandpa Eddie who brought us groceries and took me to softball practice. They gave us everything and never asked for anything in return. They will never know the depths of my gratitude and how much they shaped me with their gifts. Things are still not easy though, I’m working through some issues and recently started therapy myself (twenty years after trying that first time at fifteen). Twenty-three years after my parents divorced, I’m facing some real things that I have long since pushed aside and buried and am realizing that it’s time to face them.
Writing this and talking about this is never easy…but it needs to be talked about. Yes, when you see a child with bruises, you need to investigate and alert someone, especially if they can’t give you a straight answer. If you are a teacher and a child clings to you at school and doesn’t look forward to the weekends and asks to go home with you…you should question this and investigate further. As adults, it is our duty to make sure our children (our future) are not being abused by people who are supposed to love and protect them. And it’s our duty to recognize the signs of child abuse.
I do want to say something…I didn’t write this for sympathy, I never want to come off that way and that’s certainly not my purpose in writing this. I feel stupid typing those words but I had to. We live in a sugar-coated, beautiful insta filter, everything is perfect in social-media-land world and I’m one of those people. I don’t want to be negative online and venting and ranting online is just unprofessional. So I usually only share positive things going on in my life.
So why share then?
- Because no amount of ignoring this (my situation or others' situations) will make domestic violence go away.
- I feel it's my duty to share my experience so that others can be educated and others can see there is hope. I firmly believe there's always hope.
- Because as sad as this may sound, I do sometimes feel alone. I hope by sharing it will help me feel less alone.
Quite honestly, you never know the baggage someone is carrying and you never know the pain someone is going through when you see them on Facebook or see them on the street. I hope we can all have more compassion for others and I hope I can help one or two children escape their abuser by sharing this with you.
Here are some resources in case you or someone you know needs them:
Child Help (Prevention and Treatment of Child Abuse); call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453
The National Domestic Violence Hotline; call them at 1-800-799-7233
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN); call them at 1-800-656-HOPE(4673)
Rome says
I would never have known with the way you carry such a sunny disposition. Proof that you have come through an amazing human. I’m (actually we, Katherine and I) are proud and privileged to know you. Thank you for your bravery.
Mikkel says
Beautiful post, Julie. I applaud your courage for posting it in hopes to educate others. It was inspiring too. That child he tried to beat down has become one of the most courageous, hard-working, beautiful woman I know who continuously inspires me. I’m so grateful to call you a friend! Love you!
Katie says
Thank you for sharing, I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I was “fortunate” that I only dealt with verbal/emotional abuse as a child. The most important thing you said is that it isn’t easy to get away. Far too few people understand just how trapped you can be.
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Katie!
Jamie | Hola Croqueta says
Hi Julie! I just found your blog. And naturally, I always go to About sections first and venture off from there, getting to know who’s behind the delicious food posts. I stumbled across this post and while I may not have had the exact same story…emotional abuse is just as common and hurtful. I, too, have had to visit a therapist to remedy my past. So, I’m writing you today to tell you that this was an incredibly brave post and I want to encourage you to never stop working on fixing yourself. Thank you for sharing something so very personal. You, like me, will prevail and come out stronger and more victorious than ever. Nice to meet you! <3
Julie Deily says
Hi Jamie, nice to meet you too! Thank you for sharing and thank you for your kind words!! <3
Maureen says
I know its November but I had to comment because this is an issue that is often ignored by our society. Im am sorry you had to endure that pain as a child, as a family but I am so glad that you can be a voice to those who have none. Thank you Julie for your story!
David Leite says
Julie,
Your honesty is amazing, and the emotions are raw and real. Thank you for writing this. Brava for being smart and courageous enough to start therapy at fifteen. Brava for going back to therapy to be the best version of you that you can be. And brava for using your marvelous online presence for the highest good possible: helping others.
Millie Brinkley says
As I sit here with tears in my eyes, I am struck by your bravery, honesty, and commitment to being a voice for those in the same situation. Looking at the photo of your lovely face with the soulful eyes and gorgeous smile, I feel as though I have found a friend who understands. I am grateful to you for being so forthright.
Julie Deily says
Hi Millie, I’m struck by your words…your kind, deep words. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment…your words cut deep, they made me cry and they are so appreciated. Thank you thank you. xo
Hope says
I’ve never read your blog before, but found this link on another and was very touched. I was actually abused by a step mother and my mom and dad (then divorced obviously – had no idea what was happening – I was too young to realize it was wrong) were both tipped off by a school official (also a mandatory reporter) who noticed I had bruises. I am *really* grateful to this day. So I just wanted to note, it’s not just men who can be abusers.
Anyway – you’re very brave to write this and it is extremely important.
Julie Deily says
Hope, I feel so honored that you shared your story with me. Thank you so much and you’re right not all abusers are men. It’s so sad really. I’m so glad that someone at your school reported the situation. Big hugs to you and thank you for sharing…taking the time to read and to comment. I hope you have found peace today. xoxo
Liz says
I’m so proud of you Julie. This was a hard thing to do. I’m sorry this happened to you and hopefully these sick people are getting caught and jailed forever. So sickening how they are abusing people and thinking they are so superior. Take good care of yourself and now that you know better and are older and can control things do just that in your new life.
Julie Deily says
Liz, thank you so much!
Ashley | Spoonful of Flavor says
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Julie! It means a lot to others that you shared your experience and the resources. I helped someone very close to me leave a similar situation and it was the hardest thing to go through because nobody talks about abuse or the resources to find more information.
Julie Deily says
Ashely, thank you for sharing your story with me. I hope your person you helped is able to talk about it and has found peace. abuse is so hard because like you said, we don’t talk about it. I think that’s how we change it…by not being slient anymore.
Malia says
Thank you for sharing your story, Julie! I’m so glad you got the help that you need and are able to move forward confidently with your life.
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Malia!
chef Dennis says
thank you for having the courage to write this post Julie. You are an amazing woman and a beautiful person inside and out and that is testament to yourself, family and friends for being able to recover from the situation you lived through.
Your post may help someone make that tough decision to leave an abusive relationship. I am so very thankful to have met you and proud to call you friend.
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Dennis, for your incredibly kind words! They mean so much to me!! xo
Heather | Farmgirl Gourmet says
You are incredibly brave my friend. I dealt with physical, mental and verbal from 2 ex boyfriends. They were one right after the other and it was a miracle I didn’t try to hurt myself as I was so incredibly low. I’m so happy that you have found your “happy”. I know this post must’ve been so hard to write, but I bet you have helped someone (if not more than 1) with your words. Thanks for being you.
Julie Deily says
Heather, thank you for sharing your story with me. I had no idea. Glad you found your happy too! xoxo Thank you again, for sharing and taking the time to read my story. big hugs!
Laura (Blogging Over Thyme) says
This was so brave of you Julie! I”m not even sure what to write, but all of these words will stick with me in the years to come. Your mother was such a brave woman and I’m so glad to know that you were able to escape that situation–and I’m so happy that we were able to meet last year and hope we can spend more time together at some point in the future!
Your story will help so many people!
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Laura, for your kind words! I hope we get to spend more time in the future too! xoxo
Julie M. says
Julie,
Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t imagine how much courage and strength it must have taken to put yourself out there like that. I’m so sorry you and your siblings and mom had to go through that. No person should ever be treated that way. *hugs*
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Julie!! Hugs back to you!
Penelope says
Very eye-opening. I’ve said “Why doesn’t she just leave?” myself, and you are right, it’s not that simple when someone has made you feel afraid for your life and worthless, and that someone is supposed to be the person that loves you. I’m so glad I read this, and I’m so glad there were wonderful souls around you that helped you, your mom, and all your siblings. This is so heart breaking 🙁
Julie Deily says
It’s not that simple either when you have six kids…it’s never simple. Thank you, Penelope! I appreciate your friendship and kindess!
Trisha Haas says
I just wanted to leave a comment and let you know I read it. 🙁
Julie Deily says
Trisha, I really appreciated seeing your name here. thank you!
Andie Mitchell says
This post is amazing and makes me want to spend a weekend with you, just talking about our lives. Thank you for being vulnerable and willing and open.
THIS really needed to be said: “‘Why doesn’t she just leave him? Why does she take it? She doesn’t take anything. He has taken everything from her. Abusers beat you down mentally and physically and build you back up in their mold so they can control you.” <–So true, and you gave me words to explain a phenomenon I couldn't quite explain before.
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Andie. For your kindness. Can we schedule that weekend for sometime in 2016? Let’s make it happen.
It’s so true…I think the same can be said for many different kinds of relationships…it’s so complicated and it’s so easy to throw stones when they haven’t walked a mile in that person’s shoes. I hope it resonates with more people and they don’t say that to their friend or loved one who is going through this…why don’t you just leave him/her?
Susannah says
Thank you for writing this, Julie. I’m sorry you went through this, and that so many have as well. Your courage is contagious, and I greatly admire your strength. <3
Julie Deily says
Susannah, thank you, thank you. xoxo
Aviva Goldfarb says
So, so sorry this happened to you and your family, Julie, you are brave and generous to share it with your readers and we love and support you.
Julie Deily says
I love you, Aviva. Thank you for your kindness!
Mary says
I can’t even write what I want to say through the tears right now, but Julie, your words are so important. Abuse becomes a crazy kind of normal when you’ve lived with it for so long and that is heartbreaking. It should never ever be accepted; whether that abuse is physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, or financial. Thank you for sharing your story, my friend. I know that others will be helped.
Julie Deily says
Thank you so much, Mary, for your kind words…and everything you said, I echo. xoxo
DessertForTwo says
Julie, I have no words. Thank you so much for sharing. Especially the part about watching for signs of abuse in kids, like kids clinging to teachers and wanting to go home with someone else. That will stick with me. I’m sorry you went through this. But again, thank you so much for sharing. You’re such an idol in the blog community, and I hope you’re proud of how you’ve lifted yourself above the circumstances. xoxoxo
Julie Deily says
Christina, thank you so much! I’m so glad those words will stick with you. We were those kids who clung to our teachers, sadly. xoxo
Tasha @thatssoyummy says
Oh Julie! I am speechless with what you and your siblings and mom had to endure growing up. I praise you for speaking out and sharing this with all of us and I know it will help those looking to reach out and tell someone. You are a strong courageous woman and will continue to pray for healing for you. BIG HUGS to you hunny!!!!!
Julie Deily says
Thank you for the hugs, Tasha!
Lauren at Keep it a Sweet says
I can’t imagine how hard it was for your mom, you and your siblings to get out of one life and move forward. Thank you for sharing your story to bring more awareness to a very scary reality. I’m so glad that you were able to find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Lauren!! xoxo
Julianne @ Beyond Frosting says
I can only imagine how difficult it was to share this post, not only because it can be hard to share a story of this matter, but I am sure that it brings back memories. Thank you for sharing your story with us, because if it helps even one person, that is incredible. And I am sure that it will.
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Julianne!
Donna says
Thank you,Julie, for your very touching and meaningful story. As a former victim myself I read every word with a deep sense of recollection and sadness. I am sure there some out there who will read this and think about their current situation and be moved to change. I pray for all those who are suffering in abuse. Thank you again for your courage.
Julie Deily says
Donna, thank you for sharing. I’m glad that you are a former victim. Thank you for your kind words and for sharing. I really do hope it might help just one person…at least one person. xo
Jamie says
You are so brave and especially your mom, for protecting you and your siblings. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you had a story at all. Any kind of abuse is horrible, whether mentally or physically. It all real and there are many people out there right now suffering. Thanks for sharing your story and hope to so many.
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Jamie, for taking the time to read and to comment. I really appreciate it!
Denise | @addicted2recipe says
Julie, I worked with the National Domestic Violence Hotline for ten years and I just want to say thank you for sharing your story. By telling it, I have no doubt you will help others and hopefully get them help. Thanks for sharing the resources too! Good luck to you!
Julie Deily says
Thank you for your work with the hotline, Denise. Thank you so much for your kind words!!
Cat Davis says
This part really struck a chord with me .. “If you are a teacher and a child clings to you at school and doesn’t look forward to the weekends and asks to go home with you…you should question this …”
I never thought about it until this moment but there is a little girl in our neighborhood who is like this. She clings to me, spends as much time at my house as possible, usually eats dinner with and constantly tells me how much she wants me to be her mom.
I can’t say for sure that she’s abused other than what I’ve seen of her parents publicly is that they are not nice people. Other than take her into my home whenever possible and show her that she’s cared about, I don’t know what to do.
Julie Deily says
Cat,
I would ask for support and guidance from a school official or some kind of authority…even if it’s just advice. A child acting like that raises a lot of red flags for me.
Martha says
Julie, thank you for sharing your story. It is very well written, I totally understand exactly what you are saying. I had a very similar childhood. You can’t really understand unless you have lived it. I also had to grapple with issues into my adulthood. I credit my wonderful husband as well with helping me understand true happiness. You are a wonderful person and you should be proud that you have such a large platform to bring awareness to domestic abuse. Much love to you!! Martha
Julie Deily says
Martha,
I had no idea…and I’m glad you agree that you can’t fully understand unless you have experienced it. I do hope that by talking about it…the others who have not experienced it will educate their own children so they don’t fall into certain traps. Thank you for sharing with me your story…it means so much to me that you did. I feel like we’re both really lucky to have such great husbands. Much love to you!!! xoxo
Laura | The Kiwi Country Girl says
What an extremely well written post. Thank you for sharing, I hope it has helped you and I am sure it will help other people. You are so brave and this is not a negative post at all – I think it is so important that people are aware of issues like this. Sending lots of love your way you awesome person! xx
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Laura, for your kind words!
Teri Giese says
Coco was supposed to say XOXO. Oops! Be there for each other, I need to add. My abuse was only towards me and infrequently witnessed by anyone else in my family. Isolation has been more of the struggle for me. A support system within my family. Always a feeling of not truly being believed,is almost more painful than the actual abuse. A silent crime if you will. Thanks so much for opening the conversation about abuse. So many hurting people out here. Together we are stronger. Am not alone in my pain anymore.
Teri Giese says
If I could, you would get the biggest and longest hug.EVER!I,also am an abuse survivor. It was my mother. Was bad enough that a diagnosis of PTSD was given to me by the many therapists I have seen over the last 40 years. Never had visible bruising or markings. mine was a horrible psychological, emotional abuse and deprivation. I have four lovely grown daughters,that I do not think truly understand what she put me through. Explaining to them is painful and yet confusing. Is their grandmother. This woman tried to abort me with a coat hanger, never let me forget how my birth ruined her life. Yet, is cunning and convincing at behaving normal. Recently, a confrontation resulted in her telling me she had nothing to be sorry for, and she was a better mother to me than I am with my daughters. WOW. No witnesses to her behavior… AGAIN. Coco, stay strong!
Julie Deily says
Teri, your words brought me so much comfort and sadness. I can’t even imagine…if the rest of my family denied what happened or just turned a blind eye. How awful! I’m so sorry for what you endured. And yes, keep talking about it and sharing…we are stronger if we talk about it. Big hugs to you, Teri. I hope you have found peace. xo
Lindsay @ Life, Love and Sugar says
Thank you for sharing your story Julie. I had no idea. I completely understand not wanting to be negative in your normal day to day posts, but I’m so glad you opened up and shared your story. I know there are many who will relate to your story and it will help them to also know they aren’t alone. It’s a gift we have as bloggers to be able to reach out. I’m so glad you’ve found a wonderful man who treats you like you deserve to be treated!
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Lindsay!
Peabody (Culinary Concoctions by Peabody) says
Way to be brave and break your silence. The more we talk about it the more people will feel they can come out.
Julie Deily says
thank you, Peabody! xo
Stacey Glenn Bradley says
Thank you for your brave sharing ♡
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Stacey!
Toni | BoulderLocavore says
Julie, I’m so so sorry for your experience. No one, especially a child, should be treated this way. It’s unthinkable. Children a gift to be treasured and cherished, not to be abused like this. I’m sure it’s very painful to bring your voice to sharing your experience but I applaud your bravery as I’m sure there are others who will find their voice through your strength and hopefully escape a similar circumstance. xo
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Toni! I agree with you…children are a gift. xoxo
Alice @ Hip Foodie Mom says
Julie, thank you for sharing your story .. Truly. I’m so happy that you have Curtis and just someone who loves you and supports you. I also applaud your mother for being brave and thinking of herself and her children and for getting you guys out of that situation. I’m sure that was an incredibly hard thing to do. I am tearing up because I see this in so many Asian mothers. So much strength and selflessness. Thank you for sharing this. . I wish I could give you a big hug.
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Alice! I will take an IOU on that hug for the next time I see you. Thank you for your kind words.
Ellie says
Wow! Kudos to you for sharing your deeply personal story in the hope that it will help others. God bless you and your entire family.
Julie Deily says
Thank you for your kindness, Ellie!
Jen says
What an incredibly raw and honest post. You are so incredibly brave for sharing your story. I hope sharing helps in your continued healing. I firmly believe sharing this story will touch someone personally ann may even save someone. You are beautiful, and I am glad to know you.
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Jen! For taking the time to read and for your incredibly kind words! xo
Ken G. says
You have bravely, deeply shared who you are, reaching beyond the saccharin comfort of the friendly blog, the FB post or the smiley-faced emoji; something all to rare in the “weboverse.” You have reminded us, not only of the tragedy of abuse, but that we are more than internet entities. We are more than advertisements for our lives.
Julie Deily says
Ken, I hope you know I always smile when I see your comments here and there over the years. Your support and your words are ALWAYS appreciated. Thank you for your kind words and yes we are more than advertisements for our lives…I hope that we can touch each other and affect change. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. xo
Angie | Big Bear's Wife says
You are such an amazing woman, Julie <3
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Angie!
Meghan Cooper says
You’re so brave for telling your story. Good for you. I had to watch my mother go through the beatings as a child from my step father and my own grandmother. It was terrible watching someone you love treated like that.
Julie Deily says
Meghan, I had no idea. It’s really hard watching it…for sure. Big hugs to you!
Rachelle says
Julie, this is so brave of you to share something so personal and I’m sure it will spark hope and change for those that need to hear it.
Julie Deily says
Rachelle, thank you so much!
allie @ Through Her Looking Glass says
Dear Julie, thank you for your courage and honesty. You are a strong and beautiful person, an overcomer. I hope and pray you will receive complete healing in time but there will always be scars. I am so thankful you have a wonderful husband. It’s courageous people like you, willing to shine the light domestic violence and abuse that will give others strength and courage. I’m so sorry for all you and your family endured. It was horrific and cruel. You are a beacon of light and hope to many today, thank you. XO
Julie Deily says
Thank you so much, Allie, for your kind words!! xoxo
Sheila Best says
Hugs to you, Julie. It is so hard to leave an abusive relationship. I applaud your mom for her strength. I can remember being so afraid of the man in my life and all the while he charmed my young adult children and treated them very well. I’m amazed at the visceral response I’m having just writing this and it was over more than 25 years ago. Peace to everyone effected by domestic violence.
Julie Deily says
Sheila, wow, thank you for sharing with me. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. For some reason, some of these abusers are able to charm others. I remember it very well…it sickened me how much some of our family friends adored him…they had no idea what was going on behind closed doors. Big hugs to you!
Brenda says
Your brave and courageous ways have always been admired by me. Big hugs. And a huge high five for pushing yourself when you know there’s more to be done – for taking care of yourself and, as you always do, others. xoxo
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Brenda! love you!
David Berge says
I’m so moved that you chose your blog to express the feelings and apprehensions surrounding you daily. Who would know, avidly following your blog, that you carry this angst inside? You have obviously reconciled many issues, feeling the freedom to express your determination to bring these situations to light, yet still indicate worry that you are seeking sympathy and feeling lonely. I’m thrilled you have resumed therapy. For those hurt and abused, it always seems a weakness to seek help, but actually shows your progress and the realization that expressing and sharing is the key to a return, or establishment, of a sense of normalcy. I’m happy you have an excellent support system, and that you demonstrate the courage to obtain peace and resolution. I salute you!
Julie Deily says
Thank you, David! I guess you can say I saw it as weakness but didn’t think I did. My friend recently best expressed it for me, for a long time I thought I could choose to not let what I went through in my childhood affect me. But in so many ways it has…not all bad but in some ways I was not liking. Anyways, thank you for taking the time to read and to comment. I really appreciate it.
sandy @ Reluctant Entertainer says
Thanks for being courageous, and sharing your story. It’s not easy to write about and stand up to a bully. You are stronger and can help so many people by sharing this, Julie. Lastly, I’m so glad you have Curtis (a protector), your dogs, great friends, and the blogging community that love you so!
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Sandy!! xo
Tamra says
Julie, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry you and your siblings had to endure such violence. Please continue to talk about it if you can. I had a good childhood but married someone that became violent after my daughter was born. The fear is so great and loved ones don’t always understand what is happening because we cover our bruises and hide behind our smiles in public. I did get divorced but protecting my daughter was an ongoing battle with the courts. As you said, if you have a feeling that someone is being abused,
please get involved. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors… Julie, your story may save
someone’s life today. Bless you!
Julie Deily says
Tamra, bless you! I’m so sorry for what you went through. Thank you for sharing with me your story. I hope you are able to protect your daughter from him today. I can’t even imagine what you went through. I hope you continue to talk about your situation and share with others as you are encouraging me to. Thank you again for taking the time to share with me. I really really appreciate it!
Karen says
I know how much courage that took. Hoping sharing with us will make you feel less alone. Continued prayers to comfort and give you strength. Thank goodness you have a great mother, and siblings and husband…and dogs….keep your head up. Thank you.
Julie Deily says
Karen, thank you so much! I do feel grateful for my family! xoxo
Michelle says
First, I would like to thank you for sharing and applaud you for I know first hand how difficult it is to share something as personal as this. I am a domestic abuse survivor (and thriver). I was married to a man that abused me terribly for 8 years. (I met him when I was 15). I remember the first time I told someone about what I was going through and how I ashamed I felt when I got the response “Why don’t you just leave him? I would never let a man do that to me!” That comment destroyed me. I did finally find the strength to leave. It was terrifying! I was told he would find me and kill me if I ever left him. He stalked me for a couple of years and I was literally afraid for my life. Fast forward to now, I am remarried (happily) to an amazing man and we have had 6 beautiful, well adjusted children. 2 girls and 4 boys. I have talked to my children at length and I explain to them what I eventually ended up telling others when I would again get that same insensitive response “An abusive man (or woman) does not start out beating you (verbally and physically). At first they are very loving and manipulative. Before you know it, your life revolves around them. Then you get that first slap and the mean words and before you know it, you are in too deep! I told my kids, if he had hit me on our first date I would have ran but the abuse didn’t start until 2 years into the relationship and by then, I had so much invested. I mean after all, he was always sorry. I know there is hope but I also know that an abusers threats are real and the fact is, people do die from domestic violence. I am so proud of you for opening up about this. You inspired me to share too! Thank you!
Julie Deily says
You said it perfectly…they don’t start abusing you right off the bat, you would run away. Thank you so much, Michelle, for reading my post and taking the time to share your story. I’m really glad you were able to leave your situation and have a wonderful family today and that you are sharing your experience with them and others. Because that’s how we stop it…and since your children don’t have to experience abuse…they still need to be aware and educated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story. It was difficult to share…for so many reasons but in the end I’m glad I did because I was able to realize that I’m not alone. Thank you for making me feel not alone, Michelle. xoxo
Elise says
Thank you so much for sharing your story Julie. Thank you for your courage.
Julie Deily says
Elise, thank you! xoxo means so much to me!
Donna @ The Slow Roasted Italian says
There are no words Julie, just compassion and admiration. Thank you for sharing. You are changing lives. xo
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Donna! xoxo
Amy says
You are one brave woman, Julie, and your words will change lives. Love you, girl! xoxo
Julie Deily says
Love you too and miss you!! xoxo
Laura (Tutti Dolci) says
Thank you, Julie, for sharing such brave words! I pray this post will set someone free and help them regain their life, as you have. <3
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Laura! xoxo
Linda says
I’m tearing up reading this, not out of sadness for you even though I feel sadness for the abuse you and your family endured at the hands of the one person who is supposed to be your protector….but instead I teared up because I am so proud of how brave and fearless you are. Hopefully someone reading your blog will find the courage to speak out and reclaim their life. Happy to know you! #NoMoreDomesticViolence #NoMoreAbuse
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Linda. Your words mean so much to me. I know all of the work you do as a volunteer and I notice it. Thank you for all that you do!
Sweetsugarbelle says
The last paragraph ????
Julie Deily says
callye, xoxo!
Trezlen says
Julie, thank you for sharing. You aren’t alone. There are so many of us out there who are trying to heal and make it through. You are not alone.
Julie Deily says
Trezlen, your words bring me a lot of comfort and sadness at the same time. I wish there wasn’t so many of us…we need to keep talking about it so we can stop it. Thank you for taking the time to read and leaving these words…they have touched me and I appreciate it so much!
Dianna says
Thank you for opening up for the sake of helping others, Julie. I hate that you had to experience such a terrible thing, especially as an innocent child. I hope that the therapy helps you to get to a place of peace. You are such a strong, successful woman and I admire your perseverance and drive! It’s a brave thing to share something so deeply personal, and I’m glad you did. Hugs.
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Dianna! So much!! Hugs back to you!
Meseidy Rivera says
You’re so brave and strong for sharing! I am sure this will help someone else one day soon. <3<3
Julie Deily says
Hi Meseidy! I miss you! Thank you for taking the time to read and to leave kind words. xo
Kristen says
Friend, I love you… I hope you know that. And I can’t imagine the amount of courage it must have taken for you to write this and share it here. I’m in tears imagining what you and your family went through and also because I KNOW how much this post will help others. Way to use your platform for extra good. That makes me so proud to know you!
Julie Deily says
Kristen, thank you for your kind words. When I hit the publish button, I didn’t feel so brave. I felt very very scared. Thank you to you and the countless others who showed me so much kindness.
Amy @Very Culinary says
“Be kind. For everyone is dealing with a struggle we know nothing about.” << THAT. It's one of my favorite sayings/quotes. You are so brave to expose yours, and even if you help only ONE person, than it was worth it. (((((HUGS))))) to you.
Julie Deily says
totally worth it if that happens. Thank you, Amy!! xo
Carrie Fields says
Julie,
Thank you for your honesty and courage. You are an amazing person who made me feel so at home and loved the first time I met you. Thank you so much for sharing and standing for those who are being or have been abused.
Xoxo
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Carrie! xoxo
Bonnie K. says
Thank you for sharing this, Julie. It takes a strong individual to be able to share and survive. I’m so happy that your mother was able to get you and your family out of a bad situation. It’s hard to do. Hugs to everyone.
Julie Deily says
Bonnie, yes it is very hard. Thank you for the hugs!
leslie says
Hugs Julie!
Julie Deily says
xoxo, Leslie!
megan @ whatmegansmaking says
Wow Julie, what a story. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but you truly are inspiring to come through it the way you have. And the face that you are brave enough to share it in the hopes of helping someone else? That’s amazing. I’ve known for awhile now what a giving person you are, and this just cements it even more. Hugs!!
Julie Deily says
Megan, thanks for making me tear up yet again! Thank you for your kindness!
Meghan @ Cake 'n Knife says
I am speechless. This is such a powerful post and I can’t put into words how much it moved me to read. Thank you for being brave enough to share a story that many of us are unable to do ourselves. I hope this post reaches every single person who can relate. Really, just wow. You are an incredible woman and I hope you know that. *love*
Julie Deily says
Love you, Meghan! Thank you for your kind words…I feel a little unworthy! You are a pretty brave lady and I’m honored to know you. xoxo
Julie @ Peanut Butter and Julie says
Julie–my heart goes out to you and your family. Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story with such honesty. I know that your words will both help and resonate with so many people, whether they are experiencing abuse themselves or they know someone who might be experiencing it.
Julie Deily says
Julie, thank you for your kind words. I do help it helps someone…out of selfishness!
shelly (cookies and cups) says
I was so moved by this. Your courage will help people, your heart HAS helped people. I love you, friend.
Julie Deily says
Shelly, you’re the best. Love you and thank you!
Jessica of My Baking Heart says
Such a brave and courageous post – I’m so proud of you, Julie. Many hugs, friend. I hope we get to see each other soon so I can give them to you in person! XO
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Jessica! xoxo I hope we get to see each other soon too!
Nancie Marin says
Julie you are an incredibly strong an brave woman and I am so impressed with your courage in being able to write this! Sharing your story is a beautiful thing and can only serve as a help to someone in need. I am honored to call myself one of your friends! Remind me to give you a hug the next time I see you!
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Nancie! I’ll collect on the hug the next time I see you!! xoxo
Josie says
Julie, thank you so much for sharing your story. It was very brave of you to speak up years ago, and it’s very brave today as well.
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Josie, for taking the time to read and comment. xoxo
Mia says
xoxo…
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Mia!
Audra | The Baker Chick says
Julie this moved me to tears. You are so brave for sharing and I am sure that so many people will gain courage from your words. Sending you love.
Julie Deily says
Hi Audra, long time no see. Thank you for your kind words…I do help it helps someone in a selfish way. Thank you, thank you. xo
Aggie @ Aggie's Kitchen says
I know you have touched someone with this. Hopefully helped someone. Julie, words can’t say how this post made me feel but I am so proud of you for using your voice in this way. Love you girl.
Julie Deily says
Aggie, thank you so much. It’s been really really hard as you know but I know I did the right thing by me. I do feel a lot of weight has lifted since I wrote this post. Thank you for your support and for your friendship. xoxo
Melissa @ Treats With a Twist says
Oh Julie, thank you so much for saying these words out loud. I know you’ve helped countless people just by saying something. Your bravery is beyond words and I love you even more for having this courage. You are not alone, and everyone needs to know that.
Julie Deily says
Thank you for your kindness, Melissa. It means more than you’ll ever know. xo
meaghan says
“She doesn’t take anything. He has taken everything from her.” This line (and much more) will stay with me for a long time. A brilliant and brave post! Thank you for sharing you with the world!
Julie Deily says
Meaghan, if I had a dime for how many times I have heard…why doesn’t she just leave him? What’s wrong with her? Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It means a lot to me! (I do wish we got to spend more time in Jamaica together! xo)
Cookin Canuck says
Thank you for being so courageous, Julie. Sharing your story plays such an important part in letting others in similar situations know that they are not alone. You are such a bright, inspiring, kind person and I am proud to know you. xo
Julie Deily says
Dara, thank you for your kind words. Seriously, I have no words…the response and kind words from you and everyone has totally blown me away.
bridget {bake at 350} says
Oh, Julie. I just want to hop on a plane to Orlando right this second so that I can hug you in person. That you are such a LOVING, GIVING, and BEAUTIFUL person says so much about your character and your strength. You’re NEVER alone. This post will be a help and comfort to so many.
Sending you so much love from Texas right now!!!
Julie Deily says
Hi Bridgie! Can you come now? We kind of need to schedule some together time in 2016…k? Promise me! Thank you so much for being such a sweet friend and being so supportive of me, Bridget! And you’re so right…I’m not alone, it’s bittersweet really.
Amber | BluebonnetBaker says
I’m so glad you took the time to share this, Julie. Letting it out will raise you up in ways you didn’t know you needed. I am amazed and proud at your strength in every single thing you do. You help so many people every single day. You are one of the kindest people I know, and I am so glad to call you friend.
Julie Deily says
Amber, it totally did, I’m so blown away. Thank you so much for your friendship. You’re one of the most giving people I know! xoxo
Glory/ Glorious Treats says
You are an amazing woman in so many ways, and I’m sure that this post will bring hope to people who are in desperate need of it! You are so courageous to bring to light issues that thrive in darkness. Love you!!
Julie Deily says
Love you, Glory! Thank you for all of your support and for your friendship!
Rachel @ Baked by Rachel says
Thank you for sharing your story, Julie. You’re so brave and I hope that this helps even just one person see that they’re not alone and there is hope.
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Rachel! xoxo
Julie @ Table for Two says
Wow, you’re so brave to share. Thank you for opening up and sharing about something that not many people want to share about. I’m glad that you were able to overcome this and this will greatly help someone who is struggling. Great resources at the end and hopefully it will encourage someone who is in a tough position to speak up. xoxo
Julie Deily says
Julie, thank you for taking the time to read and to comment. I appreciate your words so much!
Cookbook Queen says
You know how much I love you and how PROUD I am of you? I know that this was incredibly out of your comfort zone, but you DID IT ANYWAYS!! You did the hard thing so that we can make this world a friendlier place for victims.
You are right, it’s not that easy. Living with abuse is incredibly complicated. And without women like you speaking up, no one will ever understand. People will continue to look at victims as people who are weak instead of providing a soft, loving, safe place to land.
I am so so sorry that you had to live through this. You are one of the strongest, smartest, most talented women that I have the honor of calling a friend. No one deserves to be hurt in that way, and I pray heartfelt prayers that God showers so much love and goodness upon you that the shine from it chases away those ugly shadows. I love you!!
Julie Deily says
All I can ever say is I appreciate your friendship, your understanding and thank you for inspiring me to share my story, my truth. Love you!
Robyn | Add a Pinch says
Julie,
You are one of the strongest, most courageous, loving, and sweetest people I’ve ever met. I’m so proud of you for sharing your story! I just know that you have and will help so many!
Love you!
Robyn xo
Julie Deily says
Love you, Robyn! Thank you so much…you are one of the sweetest people I know. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Joanne @ Fifteen Spatulas says
You’re so brave. Love you <3
Julie Deily says
You know how I feel about you! xo
Miss @ Miss in the Kitchen says
It’s so very courageous of you to share your story. I admire you so and your giving spirit. XOXO
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Milisa! xoxo
Rachel Cooks says
Wow, Julie. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s such an important one to tell and you are so brave for doing it on this great platform that you’ve created for yourself. I hope you are so proud of yourself for overcoming the abuse you endured. No child should have to live like that and I hope lives are changed thanks to your courage in sharing this and the resources at the end. <3
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Rachel. It’s funny I keep the word brave lately and I don’t feel it at all! I just felt alone and I need to speak up. But then I realized it was about speaking out because we don’t discuss this enough. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.
Katrina @ In Katrina's Kitchen says
Thank you for writing. The way you live your life is even more inspiring knowing that your family went through this. Thank you for using your voice and your platform to bring awareness to this issue. I have no doubt that by speaking up your story will give courage to someone who needs it. xoxo
Julie Deily says
Thank you, Katrina! You are so sweet!
SaraLily says
Thank you for sharing! What a strong post. I’m sorry you went through this as a child but am so happy you are in such a great place now. You deserve it! Love your site and just wanted to give you a pat on the back! =)
Julie Deily says
Hi Saralily,
Gosh, thank you so much for your kind words. They mean so much to me!! xoxo
Kayle (The Cooking Actress) says
Thank you so much for sharing Julie. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to live through that, and the courage it took to share it. My husband had a semi-similar situation with his stepdad from the ages of about 7-20 (he was also off and on working and the “Mr Mom”) and I see he echoes of that emotional, verbal, and physical abuse every day. He’s been in counseling for years and he’s had periods of intense depression and anxiety as a result and it’s so hard. I wish someone had reported him (especially considering he has custody partial over Michael’s half-siblings, although the youngest is almost 18 so that’s almost over and he was pretty much only physically abusive to Michael) but during the divorce they were told that since Michael is only the stepson it wasn’t likely to hold up in court. Which is so messed up. Anyway…my point is: domestic abuse is absolutely terrible and can completely ruin people’s lives, thank you for bringing attention to it. <3
Julie Deily says
My heart hurts for your husband, Kayle, I know what he’s going through in a way. Good for you for sticking with him and being there for him. Thank you for sharing his story with me. Please tell him he’s not alone!
Mason Canyon says
Your post is most inspiring. I hope sharing it gives you comfort and at least some measure of peace knowing that others can be helped through your words. You are brave and strong to share what others try to cover up and pretend never happens. Thank you, my friend. Know that while you may feel alone at times, you are not.
Julie Deily says
Hi Mason :D, thank you so much for your kind words, friend!
Karla says
Thank you, Julie, for sharing your story and bringing domestic abuse to the forefront. You are so BRAVE! It is something we all need to talk about and I’m so sorry you had to experience it. I hope sharing your story here will help in one small part to bring happiness to you.
Julie Deily says
Hi Karla, thank you for reading and taking the time to leave me such a kind note! xoxo